with love, Kamy

OPEN JOURNAL

25 | WHERE WE OFF TO?

TWENTY-FIVE, CRISIS WHERE?

The big Two-Five…the year that everyone says you experience your quarter life crisis. However, my goal for 25 was two simple words: Have Fun. Looking back on the year, I definitely think I did just that. With everything else as a second priority, it was crazy for sure, however, the most fun I have ever had in one year.

25 was the year of travel. Starting in October, I went to Escape Psycho Circus in SoCal with a few of my best friends. In November, I went to celebrate Thanksgiving in Las Vegas with my mom. At the end of the year, I traveled to California to go to the New Years rave: Countdown NYE. In February, I was back in California, but this time in NorCal to celebrate my friend’s bachelorette weekend. In March, my friends and I went to Beyond Wonderland in SoCal. In April, I hopped over to the island of Kauai for a weekend getaway. In May, my two best friends and I did a girls trip in Las Vegas. And finally, to start of the birthday month, August, traveled back to SoCal for HARD Summer Music Festival.

Although it was a bit concerning state of mind, the phrase that always came to mind during this year was, “you’ll make your money back, but not your memories”. Truly a full send year of trying my best to make things happen. It was chaotic at times, however, it was the first time in two years that I really felt like myself again and that I was really in tune with what I wanted for myself.

When I look back at the past few years, I see three main “eras”. The hurt, the healing, and the living. 25 to me finally felt like my first time that I felt alive again. And I know that sounds really heavy, but I truly do think I was a bit lost after my failed relationship. It was like having to build everything back up from scratch. I had to retrain myself how to think for myself and not for others and to be independent again.

24 | ADVENTURE TIME!

TWENTY-FOUR, THE WHIRLWIND

If I had to describe 24 with a quote, it would be, “the days are long, but the years are short.” Looking back on 24 is kind of crazy, in the best way possible. The year started off with an epic celebration, literally. I rang in the first few hours of 24 at Beyond Wonderland with two of my best friends. Little did I know, 24 was going to be filled with a lot more adventures.

In October, our company traveled to Napa for a company retreat that will filled so many great memories. The trip began in San Francisco, where I saw my first MLB game: Giants vs. Padres. When we arrived in Napa, we hit the ground running with a wine tasting at Davis Estate, followed by an amazing cocktail hour at RH Yountville, and dinner at a lovely french restaurant, Bistro Jeanty. Our second day in Napa was my absolute favorite though. We spent the day relaxing by the pool at Solage and then headed to Chappellet Winery for a tour and private dinner in a glamorous yurt. When I say that I fell in love with their Pinot Noir, I mean I fell in loveeeee with that wine. I would buy cases upon cases if I could.

Fall and Winter was kind of a chaotic time. After the heartbreak of 23, I was definitely still trying to heal from the loss of a relationship. I felt myself reverting to some pretty bad habits, which included going out for the wrong reasons. I definitely tried to run away from the sadness and did not want to work through it.

I rang the new year in with no resolutions, no expectations. The goal was just to live my life and whatever comes my way. And I think I did exactly that. In April, I traveled to Seattle for 42 hours to see one of my favorite artists: Disclosure and ended up buying a last-minute ticket to see Madeon on his Good Faith Forever tour the night prior to Disclosure. This is one of the best decisions that I made all year. I will be talking about how breath-taking that show was for a long time. One of the coolest artistic experiences I have ever been a part of. Seeing Disclosure with my two best friends and brother was definitely a highlight as well. I have been wanting to see Disclosure for 5 years and it felt amazing to actually be there after trying for so long.

Right after I came home from Seattle, I hopped right back on the plane a few days later to our 2nd company retreat to Las Vegas. I have always loved going to Las Vegas, especially during my senior year of college, however, this was a whole new experience. This was Vegas, but boujee. We were picked up from the airport by a private driver, had individual rooms at the Wynn, took a limo to dinner, and lounged in a cabana for 2 days. It was the perfect recipe for complete luxury and relaxation, however, I unfortunately got sick. I pushed through as best as I could, however, I definitely felt like I didn’t live up to my “party self” as much as I could.

Exactly one month after returning from Vegas, I was back for my second EDC with the squad. Being with my best friends as we marathoned our way through three days of absolute madness is such an indescribable experience. Every time we leave, I wonder why we do it, however, after a few months past, I always think it was one of the best times of our lives. Partying with your friends until the sun comes up, literally, puts your friendship on a whole new level.

But, it didn’t stop there. In July, the friend group traveled to Denver to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I have never been to Colorado and it was really fun to go to a brand new city and do something different. Although I wasn’t a superfan of the band prior to the trip, I can definitely say that I had the best time ever. To see Mile High Stadium packed to the highest seats for a show was incredible. And it started to pour rain. It doesn’t get better than that. We were able to visit other cool places such as Red Rocks and the Coors Brewery Tour. Although it was a quick weekend trip, we definitely made use of every minute we had there.

In my last weekend of 24, I decided to do a staycation at Turtle Bay and just unwind. It was the perfect way to bid farewell to 24. A year of total chaos. Looking back on the year, I am really amazed at myself and how much I accomplished. There were definitely very difficult days where I wanted to quit everything and just hide away, but I am so glad I didn’t. From a high view, the year was perfect and I wouldn’t change a thing. The healing was definitely messy and I think the journey is not complete yet, however, I feel so grateful for all of the beautiful experiences I had throughout the year. I am ready for 25.

23 | THE HURTING, THE HEALING

TWENTY-THREE, WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?

23 started off with a lockdown birthday… looking back at it, it wasn’t the worst. It was actually pretty great, considering everything. I tried surfing for the first time, ate Thai Food, & was visited by some of my favorite people. It feels like a lifetime ago. I am definitely not in the same place as I was then. I wish I could go back in time and warn myself of everything that was to come. All the hurt, crying, and unhappiness. All caused by one person. Isn’t that crazy? How one singular person can define my feelings towards a whole year. But that is truly how I feel though. I spent majority of my 23rd year fighting my intuition, instincts, and advice from the people that love me the most. All because I thought I could beat the odds. My ignorance and stubbornness aided my self-destructiveness. As much as I would love to blame that one person for all the terrible things that happened last year, I know that I play the most active role in it all. I had all the tools in front of me, yet I refused to use them. I let myself be fully consumed in toxicity because I thought it brought me happiness. They say hindsight is 20/20 and looking back at it, all of the moments in which I thought I was the happiest with this person is now smeared with a layer of disgust and disappointment.

I hate heartbreak. I hate when something is so sad that it brings a physical pain in my chest. The uncontrollable crying to the point where I actually can’t breathe. I hate that I allowed myself to even get to that point, to be so weak and vulnerable that I allowed someone to do that much damage. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I really loved someone to the point where there was no logic. Decisions were led with my heart, not my head. I hadn’t done that in a very long time, I am not one to let my walls down. I really look back and see how delusional I was and everyone else could see it and expressed genuine concern, but I was unable to even see and hear them. And when I was finally able to get a small glimpse out of the haze, I hated it because it was so painful that I reverted back into the state in which I felt the most comfortable. Even when I knew that I needed to cut this person out of my life, I repeatedly told my friends, “I don’t think I’m strong enough for this.” And for a long time, I wasn’t. I pushed down my own pain, healed my wounds, and went straight back to the person who was causing them. The toxic cycle was exhausting, but I couldn’t escape it, I didn’t want to. I was so afraid to face the reality of a life without this person that I refused to let it happen. I had let this person into every aspect of my life, exposed my deepest secrets, & let myself be completely vulnerable. When you put so much time and effort into something, you almost feel like you have to stay even though it’s hurting you. There is a scene from the movie, Someone Great, that resonates with me so much. It is the one where Jenny is writing in her journal on the subway and she says, “When something breaks, if the pieces are big enough, you can fix it. Unfortunately, sometimes things don’t break, they shatter.” We broke and attempted to fix a relationship so many times that it finally just shattered and there was nothing left to do. No matter how much I tried to fix it, it was already gone. No apology or plead was going to make a difference. No closure, no goodbyes, nothing.

Some days I wake up and I am filled with so much anger. I’m angry with myself, at that person, about how I was treated, about how I treated that person. And then other times, I hurt. I feel so much pain when I think about how someone was so important to me and now it’s like we never existed. It hurts to know that someone I cared so much about could so easily walk away and forget about me. It hurts to feel used. It hurts a lot. That’s not something you can just heal from overnight. I know it’s going to take time. And even though I feel so much, at the end of the day, I feel an abundance of gratitude. I feel so grateful for every single person that helped me through it all. On the days that everything was too much for me, my friends were there to help me carry the weight of it all. From answering my FaceTimes when I’m sobbing so hard that they can’t understand a word that I’m saying to making me laugh so hard that there are no sounds, just claps, my friends helped me be me again. After everything happened, I had lost myself. I got to a point where I didn’t trust myself anymore. I thought I knew what I was doing, but obviously I led myself down a path that ultimately hurt me so maybe I didn’t know what was best for myself after all. When someone plays such an active role in your daily life, it almost feels like something within yourself is missing when they’re gone. I tried to think about who I was before I met this person and tried to become that. But I realized that I would never be that old version of myself again. There was no going back, only forward.

Healing and growth is uncomfortable and difficult. It takes a conscious effort every single day. Some days it is just so tiring, it really can take everything out of you. However, I know that at the end of the day, it is worth it. If 23 taught me anything, it is that the glass can be half-full. It is so easy for me to focus on the bad (obviously), but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten all the great things that happened this year. I learned how to surf, got a job in my dream career path, learned how to cook some amazing dishes, became more disciplined in my fitness training, and so much more. And while I was doing all of that, I was surrounded by the best people. I spent my weekends just enjoying life again with my friends. Whether that be standing up on the same wave or winning a simple beer game, my friends helped me out of the darkness. I will admit that on the outside, I may have seemed fine, but on the inside I was not okay. I can’t pinpoint a singular moment or activity in which things shifted, but I know something changed along the way. It feels like I am on the right path again. It is a long road ahead of me, but I am determined to be my best self again.

That quote from Someone Great continues and she says, “But when you let the light in, shattered glass will glitter”. And I think I finally reached that point. Even though I look back on 23 and see so much pain, I learned so much from it. I learned how to heal again and I know that I am stronger from it.

22 | HALF HALF YEAR

TWENTY-TWO, READY TO ADULT?

22 has definitely been an interesting year filled with a lot of big moments such as starting my first “adult” full-time job, buying my first car, and traveling internationally. Although there have been amazing highs, this year has contained a lot of lows.

Being 22 meant transitioning from being a college student to an “adult”. I often found myself feeling nostalgic about my college lifestyle. Although I missed having carefree adventures with my friends, I was eager to start my career. Trying to start my career in the Events industry proved to be a much more difficult task than I had anticipated. For many years, I knew that I wanted to become an Event Planner, however many of the job listings I came across had previous experience requirements that I did not come even close to meeting. It was discouraging at times, however I tried to stay hopeful that I would find a job that I would love.

In November, our family, along with our close family friends, planned a trip to Japan. I was extremely excited for the trip, especially since I had never been to Japan before. One of my friends was currently living in Japan, so I was also excited to visit since it had been months since we saw each other. That trip contains some of my favorite memories of the year. Exploring Tokyo, Osaka, and Odaiba with my friends and family was filled with so much laughter and good times. A few of my favorite highlights from the trip was visiting the Osaka Aquarium, Tokyo Disney Sea, the Borderless Museum, and of course all of the delicious food. Japan has become one of my favorite travel destinations and I would love to take a friends trip there one day.

I started my full-time job shortly after we returned from Japan. The position that I accepted wasn’t specialized in Event Planning, however I believed that it would provide me a lot of foundational learning opportunities that would aid me in my career journey. Working at the Ballrooms, I was able to experience a company culture that closely emulated a family. It was really refreshing to experience this and even though I did not technically love the work I was doing, I definitely enjoyed talking with to my co-workers every day. Along with my new job, shortly after, I made a very large commitment and decided to purchase my own car. Although I had some help, majority of the car would have to be paid by me. Working 8 - 5 with a large monthly payment truly gave me my first taste of what being an adult would entail. At times I felt exhausted, however, it made me value my weekends and that time I got to spend with my friends even more.

My life started to feel pretty routine as 2020 rolled around, however, as soon as March came, things took a drastic change. My grandma suddenly passed, COVID really ramped shutting down the state, and I was furloughed. Not being able to come together as a family to mourn the loss of someone important to us was extremely difficult, especially since the whole family used to gather at my Grandma’s house for all our special occasions. She was the sweetest little thing and was one of the main reasons I wanted to move back home after college. Before I started my job, I really tried to hang out with my grandma’s as much as I could. While in college, I constantly worried about being so far away if something were to ever happen to them. I am extremely grateful for the time I got to spend with my grandma after I moved home and I miss her immensely.

Oh COVID, how you turned the world upside down. This pandemic has been a crazy time, something I never thought I would ever experience in my lifetime. Through it, I have learned a lot. It really made me appreciate the time I get to spend with my friends and helped me realize how much I value quality time in friendships. Along with friends, my family dynamic also shifted. For the past few years, all the members of my family have kind-of been on separate schedules, it was really rare if all of us were home at the same time. However during COVID, we were together all the time. I love my family, but being around them 24/7 was very taxing on me and I felt so aggravated at times. I really value my independence and being trapped at home was pretty much my worst nightmare. Months into COVID, things have leveled out more, but I still find myself adjusting to being around my family a lot more.

On top of everything, the company that I worked for was shut down. Although losing my job was extremely unfortunate, I am grateful for everything that I learned while I was there. I worked with some amazing people and it will definitely not be a job that I will forget. The only silver-lining that I can see is that I was able to take a breather and figure out what I want to do now. I was faced with a lot of uncertainty, especially since the industry I want to be in is basically nonexistent until COVID is over. I have known what I wanted to do since I was 15 years old and for the first time ever, I was debating completely changing my career path. Being a natural life planner, this was extremely stressful to me.

22 has really been a rollercoaster and sometimes I feel like I am right back where I started, just a year later. I do feel that I have grown as a person, however there are definitely aspects of myself that I still feel that I need to work on. If 22 has taught me anything it is that I am stronger than I had originally thought. This year has been filled with so many experiences that really could have broke me, but I trusted in myself that things would get better, I just had to will it so. I think at the start of 22, I really lacked a level of confidence in myself. I am ready to head into 23 with full force and determination to make it a better year than the last.

21 | A Golden Time

TWENTY-ONE , TWENTY-FUN

21 was a huge year for me filled with so many great memories. While reflecting back, it was probably one of the best years of my life. Of course I was excited to turn 21 because that meant being able to drink, but it also meant the year I would graduate from college. Since my birthday is during the first week we’re back at school, the year always starts off with a bang. I celebrated the only way you should…. in Las Vegas. With a few of my closest friends, we partied the weekend away and ate some amazing food, it was exactly what I imagined it to be when I was growing up.

In September, I attended my last Nocturnal Wonderland, with two of my best friends. It was my third time going to this festival, but one of my favorites. Nocturnal will always have a special place in my heart because it was my first massive festival that I went to, which made me fall in love with the edm scene. It was definitely a bittersweet moment to leave the festival grounds.

In October, I went to another Insomniac festival, Escape Psycho Circus, with my two best friends aka my Festie Besties. This festival was especially fun since it was Halloween themed, we were able to dress up even more than normal. I am always a fan of Halloween time so going to a festival where everyone was dressed up was super exciting and something I would love to do again.

December, our “last” Winter Break, was filled with so many fun nights with my friends. Coming home for the holidays is always a great time, but there was something about all of us being 21 that made it even more fun. I reconnected with old friends and made great memories all around.

During 2019, I decided that I would do a Monthly Journal, here are the entries that describe the rest of my 21 journey:

January.

2019 started off on a really good note. January was one of the best months I’ve had in a long time. In 2019, I really want to work on being out of my comfort zone, or my “bubble”, as C. would call it. In January, I really feel like I started to do that. I met a ton of new people and forced myself to go into social situations that I normally wouldn’t by myself. Reflecting on the month, I am so thankful that I did this because I have met some amazing people through it.

January was also a good month because I feel like I made a deeper connection/friendship with someone who has the potential to hold a lot of value in my life. It is amazing how easily you can click with someone and immediately trust them. It has just been really refreshing to feel something like this. I am always in a state of doubt, so my mind is always filled with “fake thoughts”, as M. would call them. I am terrified of repeating my past mistakes, some which include trusting the wrong people and putting too much pressure on myself to construct the life I want to live. This year I really want to work on relieving some of that pressure on myself. It is amazing to have friends to help you carry the weight of the world and call you out on things because they want to see you become better. My heart feels so full after this month, we’re really off to a great start. I think this year will be one of a lot of growth.

February.

The second month of 2019 has come to an end already, wow. The month started off with our Hawaii Club Big Bear Retreat. I had a fun weekend besides having to cook every night for 30 people and having to drive in snow, but overall it was a great time. I got to see snow fall for the first time in over 10 years, I think, and that was the true highlight of the trip.

I really tried to work out more in February, but also I think working out is a good time waster instead of staying in my apartment & watching tv, which I can do a lot since my school load is so light. I think I needed to find more activities to keep myself busy because I felt like I was struggling more with being lonely this month. Living by myself has many perks, but there are times when I feel super alone. It doesn’t help too that I feel like I expect a lot from my friends, but sometimes I feel like I bother them too much, so I don’t always reach out when I’m feeling this way. It also affects me when I try to communicate with friends and they don’t respond at all. It almost makes me feel like I did something wrong or that friend doesn’t like to talk to me anymore, which is a crazy thought, but it’s a hard one for me to shake.

February was a month of being in my head too much. January was a better month in comparison to February, but I was also in Hawaii and not California. I don’t know why I have these irrational thoughts about my friends sometimes, but it bothers me a lot, almost to the point where it affects my overall mood. My goal for March is to have better control over this.

March.

This month was INSANE. Probably the most fun I’ve ever had in my life. In March I visited San Jose/San Francisco, Las Vegas, and Seattle. On top of that, I got to go to one of my favorite festivals, Beyond Wonderland, with a few of my best friends to cap off Spring Break. I’ve never laughed so much consistently every weekend before. In San Jose, I got to see my long-time best friend (17yrs of friendship) and go to Boombox Cartel’s Cell Tour show. Las Vegas was such a fun weekend filled with so much laughter, I was super sad on the plane ride back to Orange. In Seattle, I got to live out my foodie life and it was amazing. I finally got to spend my Spring Break with two of my best friends, something that we had always dreamed of doing every year of college… it was a dream.

I learned a lot in March. I feel like I was able to loosen up a little bit more and really put myself into situations, where in the end I was able to meet some amazing people and even become friends with them. I feel like I almost blossomed in March. I feel extremely lucky to have been able to travel to all these places and create fun memories with my friends. It felt like I was not even in school because I was having so much fun. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. March was the first time in a while where I felt consistently happy. I really needed this month of fun and only until after it was over did I realize how much I needed to do something like this.

April.

Another month down, we are more than 1/3rd done with the year, that is completely insane. April ended up being a lot more fun than I had anticipated, and yet super stressful at the same time. In April, my best friend came to visit me one last time before I graduated. It is always a great time when we are together and I definitely appreciate her coming down to OC. On top of that, my best friends and I decided to do a road trip to Las Vegas on a whim. It will forever be one of my highlights from college, that trip was amazing, filled with a lot of laughs. April was all about #seniorszn. I’ve been saying that throughout senior year, but I wanted to fully embrace it in our final full month before graduating.

April was also filled with a lot of stress, caused mainly by our Luau event that was happening the first weekend in May. Luau has been a big part of my college experience since my Freshmen year and I wanted this year to be our best one yet. Being a choreographer, Decorations committee head, and President, my mind was always on Luau. Even though it was extremely stressful, I still believe all of it has been a wonderful learning experience and I can use this knowledge post-college within the Events industry.

Lastly, in April I thought more about what I wanted to do post-college. The closer I get towards graduation, the more anxious I get about starting “real-life”. I’ve always been one to plan out every single detail in my life, but for once I want to just relax and enjoy being at home. I know that I would not stay stress-free for long just because of my personality, but I’m hoping that once I’m home I can get refocused and reground myself.

May.

May was a BIG month. May meant graduating from college. I had been looking forward to this month for a very long time and it went by in a flash. Along with graduating, I was looking forward to May because it contained a festival that I always dreamed of attending. It was hard to not think of things/activities as “the last…” during May. Even though May contained a huge transition for me from student to graduate, I did not feel super anxious about it. I was ready to be done with college. I am super thankful for all of the great memories and friends that I gained in college, but it also contained really difficult times. I was ready to close that chapter of my life and move forward. I will not forget this month for a very long time, it is a milestone in my life, both academically and personally.

I realized a lot of things by the end of May. I ended May feeling torn between two different lifestyles. I feel like either way, there are people in my life that feel disappointed about my actions or on the opposite lack of actions. It is definitely something that I have to continue to work on through June. I want to continue this year by surrounding myself with people that have a positive impact. It is time to cleanse myself of things that drain me emotionally.

June.

I thought May was a fast month, but June really flew by. June was the start of post-grad life and it has caused me a lot of internal struggle. My want to relax versus my want to start a career is constantly at battle with one another. I came back to Oahu with a job interview set up within my first week, however as it neared, I became more unsure of myself. I’ve always considered myself as a planner and this was the first time I felt like straying from the plan I had originally created.

Dante Alighieri, an Italian poet, writes, “In the middle of our journey of our life, I came to myself within a dark wood where the straight way was lost.”

I feel myself being lost, but for once, I want to try embrace it instead of panicking. From a young age, I’ve been almost programmed to believe in concrete life steps, one being starting my career right after graduating from college. It is sometimes exhausting to fight this urge, but is maybe something that is worth doing.

July.

July was the definition of chaos. I see that month as my last summer, even though I know that I technically don’t have those anymore. My main objective for the month was to hang out with my friends as much as I could, especially since a lot of them were going to leave in August. I made so many memories with my friends and I’m really grateful for the time I got to spend with them. It feels different to know that they were going to leave and I was staying here, but I still don’t feel like I’m trapped at home.

Friends were my main focus in July and I definitely think that I created deeper friendships with a lot of them. There was a time where I felt really lost and my friends expressed their concern and helped me through it. I’m super grateful for them. If July taught me anything, it is that I’m surrounded by people that care a lot.

August.

I love August, especially because it is my birthday month. I got to spend time with my friends and got to go to some events, which is always fun. For some reason, although my birthday was coming up, I wasn’t as excited as I usually am. I think it was partially because a lot of my friends who I would want to celebrate with weren’t going to be home. 21 was a huge year for me and probably one of the best years of my life, I couldn’t help but feel a little sad to close that chapter. When I turned 21, I got to celebrate with my friends in Orange, as well as go to Las Vegas. After spending majority of “summer” having lots of fun with my friends, I just wanted my birthday to be lowkey. I didn’t want to do anything too crazy and wild, I just wanted to have a nice dinner with my family and hang out with some of my friends during the weekend.